The Nutcase Adventures
by Trainguy1601
Summary: T.U.F.F. just hired a new agent and let's just say that he's a little crazy. But he has good reason. Read to find out. Rated T for safety.
1. Chapter 1

The Not-so-Average Joe:

It all started one day in Petropolis at T.U.F.F. HQ where the Chief was in the process of hiring a new agent named Joe.

Chief: "...and it says here on your resume that you're good with gunnery skills?" Joe: "Sure do." *hears buzzing noise* "See that mosquito on the other side of this floor?" *camera zooms towards bug* Chief: "What's your point?" *Joe shoots the bug and the bug has disappeared* Joe: "Does that answer your question?" Chief: "That was amazing! What else can you do?" Joe: "I can make a battlecruiser out of rhubarb!" The Chief just looks at him wierd.  
Chief: "Okay...it says here you also have a bulletproof skull?" Joe: "It comes handy...sometimes. Then again, so does having a tank." The Chief just stares at him. "What! It's how I go from place to place. See?" They both look out the window to see a M551 Sheridan tank. Chief: "It says here you are known to be crazy..."  
Joe: "Don't ask. You're better off not knowing." He smiles awkwardly. Chief: "Well everything else is in order. You've got the job!" Joe: "Yay! What do ya want me to do? Fight bad guys? Blow stuff up? Invade Canada? Blow up bad guys while invading Canada!..."  
Chief: "I want you to go get the donuts." Joe's smile suddenly disappeared but he kept his cool.  
Joe: (sarcastically) "Yay..." (to himself) "That would explain the early morning interview." He gets to the bakery and orders a few donuts. Meanwhile, in the D.O.O.M. van, Snaptrap and his gang were spying on the rookie. Ollie: "Um...boss? Don't you think it's a crazy idea to steal donuts? From a T.U.F.F. agent?"  
Larry: "Especially with that tank in the parking lot?"  
Snaptrap: "Don't worry boys. This'll be easier than stealing candy fom a baby. Ooh! Someone remind me to do that tomorrow!"  
Anyway, Joe gets the donuts and D.O.O.M. carries out the plan. One of them taps on Joe's shoulder, and when Joe isn't looking someone else takes the donuts. Joe then realizes that the donuts are missing. Joe: "What the-?" He sees the donuts being stolen by Snaptrap. "Get back here ya smelly rat!" While Snaptrap and his men drive off in the D.O.O.M. van while Joe pursues.  
Snaptrap: *laughs manaically* "It's so fun stealing donuts from other people! Especially from rookie T.U.F.F. Agents!" Then Larry looks behind them. Larry: "*panics* "Snaptrap, you might wanna look at this...!"  
Snaptrap: "Put a sock in it, Larry! This is why I ignore you!"  
Ollie: "You might want to listen for once!" Snaptrap: "Why? What could be behind us that's so-" *adjusts rearview mirror and sees a tank* "Step on it Fransisco!" He steps on it but one of the tires blows. Joe doesn't stop and D.O.O.M. escapes the van before Joe runs over it.  
Joe then gets out of the tank to fight them in order to save the donuts. Meanwhile, our two other T.U.F.F. agents, Kitty and Dudley were driving along on their way to work when Dudley sees the fight and sees that Joe is winning.  
Dudley: "Kitty, stop the car!" Kitty stops and sees the fight too. "Look at that awesome fight!"  
Kitty: "Dudley! That guy needs our help!" They both bring out thier blasters and try to help. Unfortunately a poorly timed shot hits Joe. He turns around and he thinks they're trying to help D.O.O.M. Joe: "Looks like I got some reinforcements to deal with. Well then..." *He grabs a bazooka from nowhere...* "TASTE THIS!" *...and destroys the T.U.F.F.-mobile. (Don't worry it'll get fixed.) Dudley: "Dude! Whose side are you on!" Joe wasn't listening as he grabbed his machinegun and fires at the two. They get behind the nearest wall. Kitty: "Alright Dudley. Let's show this guy what we're made of." Dudley: "Right Kitty!" When they reappear, they see Joe releasing a smoke screen. and he disappears. "Kitty, did you see that!"  
While all that was going on, D.O.O.M. was foolishly still there watching the action.  
Snaptrap: "This is so good! I've always wondered what happens when T.U.F.F. agents hit each other, instead of us."  
Ollie: "More popcorn, boss?"  
Snaptrap: "It had better be unsalted!" Larry: "I liked that smokescreen! It makes you think he's disappeared." Then they see that Joe has clearly disappeared. Snaptrap: "Oh come on! I wanted to see him finish them!" Then Joe manages to sneak up from behind as the tank's shadow scares Snaptrap. Joe: (on mic) "Alright, pal, give me one good reason not to turn you into a pile of ashes." Snaptrap: "Okay, okay, here, you can have your donuts back! Just calm down!" Joe pops up from inside. Joe: "That's what I thought." He grabs the donuts and manages to call the Chief. Chief: "There'd better be a good reason for you being late with those donuts! Joe: "Sorry 'bout that. A rat and his gang tried to steal them and THEN a tan cat and a white dog tried to stop me as well. But I managed to take care of them." Chief: "You imbecile!" Joe: "What did I do?"  
Chief: "Those were two of my best agents, Agents Puppy and Katswell!" Joe: "They were?" He realizes the mistake. "Oops." *laughs nervously* "I'll...go get them. I kinda destroyed their car as well." Chief: "Well, hurry up then!"  
Joe: "I will." He hangs up and starts to talk to himself. "Well, that could've gone better." He closes the hatch just as it starts to rain. Then he hears banging from the underside. He opens a secret door and I'll let you guess who pops up. Joe: "Do I need to explain myself?" Kitty: "We're good." Dudley: "Is he gonna share those donuts?" Joe couldn't help but chuckle. Anyway, they manage to fit and Joe drives straight back to T.U.F.F. They apologize for the poorly timed hit and Joe apologized for his aggressiveness. Whey they reach T.U.F.F., the Chief is there looking angry. Joe: "Uh...I...got the donuts." *nervous grin* The Chief's attitude changed in an instant. Chief: " Yay!" He grabs a donut thus leaving Joe confused but relieved. (with mouthful) "Good work, Agent Nutcase! Now go get yourself aquainted with the rest of the angents pronto!"  
Joe: "Fine by me." He was just about to leave then he remembered sonmething."Oh by the way, you might want to hold onto this." He hands over a list that has a bunch of family related terms on it.  
Chief: "What's this?" Joe: It's a complete list of words you should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever times ten to the 17th power ever EVER say while I'm around. They will make me either angry or go insane. Or both." He leaves the Chief on a semisadistic noe. The Chief accidentally lets go of the paper due to a slight breeze. Anyways...Joe joined Kitty and Dudley in the snack room. Joe: "Are you guys mad at me? Cause that would totally make..."  
Kitty: "No worries dude."  
Joe: "Sorry. I'm not good with introductions." *awkward pause* "So. You're names are...?" Kitty: "I'm Kitty Katswell and this is my partner, Dudley Puppy." Joe: "Nice to see ya. They call me, Joe. And by 'they', I mean myself and cousin Suzie." *awkward silence* "You know what would be nice? A tour of this place." So they explored the rest of T.U.F.F., Joe meets the other agents, 'n stuff. Just then... Chief: "Attention, agents Nutcase, Katswell, and Puppy! Report to my office immediately!" Then as if by magic...  
Joe: "Like this?"  
Chief: "What the-How'd you get in here?" Joe: "Well, you told me to show up immediately, so I did. And just to let you know you still have the intercom on." The Chief catches himself still standing on the intercom button so he jumps off just as the others showed up.  
Dudley: "What's the emergency?"  
Chief: "I just got intel that an explosives store was robbed recently. Unfortunately the only clue I have is within this photo." He shows a picture of the building destroyed with the guy we saw earlier walking casually. Joe looks at the guy in the picture with concern.  
Joe: (thinking) "Why does that guy look so familiar?" He keeps staring at the picture and notices the guy seems to be smirking. Kitty: "We'll investigate." And with that they all left. That night, Joe was heading home after he had dropped off Kitty and Dudley at their respective places as we finally get a glimpse of Joe's place. We see a normal house with a side view of a common garage to one side. But when he actually parks his tank, we see the other side has a house that looks more like an above ground bunker. Let's get to the point already. He knocks on the front door and someone pops out. Suzie: "Like, where have you been?"  
Joe: "Sorry, Cousin Suzie. I was at work today."  
Suzie: "So, like, I see the job search went well."  
Joe: "Considering all things...I'd say so." Suzie: "Like, what KIND of things?"  
Joe: "Uh...nothin'." Suzie could tell that Joe was lying. "Okay, I MAY have destroyed two vehicles today...and it's possible that one of them belonged to my coworkers." Suzie: "Now that, like, sounds more like it." Joe goes inside and does a check of his stuff. An hour or two later...  
Joe: *yawns* "I'm going to bed. Good night..." *yawns* "...Suzie." Suzie: "Like..." *yawns* "...whatever." Joe seals the wall that separates the two halves and gets ready for bed.  
With Joe now ready for bed, he sets his alarm clock and then falls asleep. As the hours pass, he begins to have nightmares. The nightmare begins with a much younger (say 7) Joe playing in the front yard. Then the house explodes behind him. Joe sees the carnage and then he hears mysterious voices: One man and one woman. Man: "Why couldn't you save us Joey?"  
Joe: "Bu...Daddy..."  
Woman: "Why didn't you save us?"  
Joe: "Mommy?" They keep repeating themselves until we fade back into reality, where Joe is tossing and turning in agony. When he's awakened, he jumps up in fright and grabs hold of a horizontal pipe and shivers in fear. He sees that it was only Suzie. Joe: "Hi...don't mind me...I'm just...clinging onto a pipe." Anyone who knew anything could see that his lie wasn't working. Suzie: "Do I need to ask?"  
Joe: "*sighs* "Can it wait 'til morning?" Suzie pulls the blinds up revealing that it is morning. "Ah! Evil sunshine!" He is blinded and falls off the pipe, onto the floor. "Ouch!  
Suzie: "Like, shouldn't you be at work right now?" Joe looked at the clock and realized he was going to be late. He dashed into the bathroom and within five seconds was ready to go as he sped off in his tank towards T.U.F.F.


	2. Chapter 2

The Not-so-Average Joe: Part 2

Joe was late to T.U.F.F. but luck was on his side. Since Quacky the Duck was on, no one would've noticed him coming in. When Joe saw what his friends do when they watch the show (as seen in previous episodes) well...  
Joe: (to himself) "And they call me crazy." He grabs a video camera and records the action. "I am so saving this for later." Later that day...  
Chief: "Agent Nutcase, report to my office!" Joe: "Am I in trouble?" Chief: "No. I need you to help Keswick test one of his experiments."  
Joe: "Does it involve blowing things up?" Chief: "No."  
Joe: "Aw...man!" The Chief showed where Keswick's lab was, where Keswick was waiting. Joe: "Eh...sorry I'm late. Let's just say I had QUITE the nightmare last night." Keswick: "It's quite alright, Agent nuh-nuh-nuh-Nutcase." Joe: "So what'd ya need me for?" Keswick: "I need you to stay still while I tuh-tuh-tuh-test my de-age-ifying ray."  
Joe: "Wait, why me?"  
Keswick: "So that I won't have to get my puh-puh-puh-parents' skin lotion anymore." *shudders* "Also the Chief said something about you being late." Joe: "Darn." Then Keswick fired the ray and not surprisingly it actually worked. "A genius, you is." He was happy to see that it had worked but he was horrified when he saw his reflection. "Uh, Keswick. You might wanna run." Keswick: "Don't worry. You're not going to explode." Joe: "Well...everyone else might! The last time I was this age...my parents...went bye bye." Even though he didn't cry, his eyes were still watering. To make things worse the ray gun fell apart. "What was that?"  
Keswick: "Oh buh-buh-buh-butter biscuits." Joe was clearly not happy about this. Just then Dudley showed up. Dudley: "What's the problem?" *sees Joe* "Aw. Hey there little dude."  
Joe: "Dudwey, it's me, Joey." Dudley: (into hallway) "Hey Kitty! Come check this out!" Kitty: "What is it now?" *sees Joe* "Aw...he's so adorable! Who's kid is this?"  
Keswick: "Sorry to duh-duh-duh-disappoint you two but it's actually just Agent Nutcase. Dudley: "What are you talking about? This kid's harmless."  
Joe: *pulls out weapon* "Does you want bet?" *arms gun* They realize that it clearly the little kid is Joe. Kitty: "Take it easy little dude. We'll come up with something." Chief: (over intercom) "Agent Katswell report to my office pronto!" Kitty: "Dudley, you stay here and find something for him to do. I'll be right back." While Kitty was gone, Joe thought of something. Dudley: "So. What do we do now?" Joe: "How about hide and seek?"  
Dudley: "You're on!" One hour later...  
Dudley: "Ninety nine...One hundred! Ready or not, here I come!" Then Kitty showed up. Kitty: "What's going on? And where's Joe?"  
Dudley: "I was about to start looking for him."  
Kitty: "You lost him already?" Dudley: "No! We're just playing hide and seek." Dudley started looking in random places. "So what did the Chief want?" But before she could answer she saw some bedsheets.  
Kitty: "Dudley, how come there are bedsheets hanging out the window?" Dudley: "What bedsheets?" *looks* "Oh no!" They both see an open window with a bunch of bedsheets tied together as a makeshift rope. They look out the window, only to see Joe got himself stuck halfway down.  
Joe: "I'm thinking this was bad idea." He sees the bedsheets untie themselves. "Uh oh." He looks back down again and realizes he is too high up to survive the fall. "Can Joey be saved now?" Kitty is seen lowering herself down with the grappling hook. But the bedsheets untie too quickly and it seems like all is lost. Joe: (as he is falling) "What Joey wouldn't give for rocket pack." Then Joe comes up with an idea and grabs a flamethrower. He points it downward, puts it on full blast and uses it as a makeshift rocket. Meanwhile, Kitty is sadly raising herself up, knowing that she failed until she hears something. She looks around to see Joe fly right up to her level. Joe: "What you doing here? Doesn't Kitty know that hanging on tall building is dangerous?" *tsk tsk tsk* "You need to give better example." Then the flamethrower stops. "Uh oh." He starts fall but Kitty grabs him before anything else happens. "That was fun! Can we do it again?" He looks up only to see that Kitty is angry at him.  
Later, Joe is sitting in the corner as punishment while Dudley and Kitty were in the break room discussing what to do next. Dudley: "You got any bright ideas?" Kitty: "I don't know, dude. This kid's giving me a rough time." Joe eavesdrops on them and then feels unwanted. He decides to leave T.U.F.F. so as to not bother them anymore. He ends up having to wander the streets since he can't drive back home. He sees Snaptrap stealing candy from a baby's stroller and decides to do something. Joe: "Hold it wight there evil peoples! You is under awwest in name of T.U.F.F." Snaptrap: "Aren't you a little young to be there?" Then Ollie pulls him aside. Ollie: (whispering) "Boss, I'm starting to think that's no ordinary kid." Snaptrap: (whispering) "So. He's still just a kid!"  
Ollie: "If that kid is who I think it is, we could easily get secret information about T.U.F.F."  
Snaptrap: "Ooh. I like the sound of that." *goes back to Joe* "Okay, kid you caught us, But first... Tell us about T.U.F.F.'s top secret information!"  
Joe: "Give one reason Joey do that." Snaptrap: "How about a nice lollipop?" Joe: "What fwavor?" Ollie: "I think it's grape flavored."  
Joe: "What does you want to know?" Meanwhile at T.U.F.F., Kitty and Dudley were getting concerned since they couldn't find Joe. Then, while they were searching, Snaptrap blew up a section of T.U.F.F. with the T.U.F.F. jet. Kitty: "Snaptrap! But how'd you...?"  
Snaptrap: "Oh this? Your little friend told me all I needed to know." Then Joe's head poked out of the jet. Joe: "Hey guys."  
Kitty: "Joey! What are you doing in there?"  
Joe: "Don't worry about me. I just gots me a free lollipop." Kitty stares angrily. *lick* "Can evil peoples drop me off here? I gots to go to bathroom." Snaptrap pushes the ejector seat which luckily for Joe has a parachute. "Thanks evil peoples!" Snaptrap flew off with his gang. Joe runs off to the bathroom and withins seconds he's out and still licking his lollipop. He stops mid-lick and sees that everyone is angry at him.  
Joe: "What? It's grape flavored!" He sees that everyone is still mad... "Fine. Joey go play someplace else until smart guy fixes age thingy! And I'm telling on you!" *slams nearest door* Kitty: "I wouldn't worry, I mean who's he gonna tell?"  
Joe: *reopens door* "...and by way, if Cousin Suzie finds out, you guys get sued until Dark Ages!" *reslams door and laughs maniacally*  
Dudley: "We gotta do something quick!" Kitty: "Wait a minute. Why didn't he just take the elevator?"  
Meanwhile about 8 stories below...  
Joe: *panting* "Stupid Joey! Why not Joey take elevator?" He sees the buttons for the elevator are a little too high. Joe tries jumping but he still can't reach it. "Stupid buttons." He waits for an elevator but when one arrives Kitty and Dudley are there. For a second they're both intimidating but then seemingly out of nowhere Dudley starts begging. Dudley: *grabs Joe by the feet* "Please, don't tell! I still wanna keep my job here!" *sobbing* "We beg of you!"  
Joe: *sigh* "Okay...Joey will not tell..." Dudley and Kitty are both relieved... "...under one condition!" They listen carefully. "You guys get Joey ice cream." Kitty: "Uh...Okay!"  
Joe: "YAY!"  
Kitty: "But first we have to deal with Snaptrap!" Joe: "Awww..." Dudley: "But he has the T.U.F.F.-mobile! And we don't even know where he is!" Joe: "Joey does!" Kitty: "Really? Where is he?" Joe goes to his tank and reveals a container filled with gas. Joe: "Joey siphoned gas from fwying mobile when you isn't looking." Kitty: "Why on earth would you do that?" Joe: "Uh...I expwain later. Now let's go get those bad peoples." He tries to get in the tank but he's still too short. "Stupid boom boom machine." Dudley: "Need some help?"  
Joe: "Uh huh." Dudley picks up Joe and help him onto the large vehicle. "Thanks." He opens the hatch and falls in. "Owie!" Kitty: "You okay?"  
Joe: "Joey is fine...Joey has buwwetpwoof skull. It handy sometimes." He and the others get in but... "Darn it. Joey can't reach contwols. Pwus I just wealized I'm too young to dwive...and I think I gots to go to bathwoom." *runs off* Then Keswick shows up on Kitty's wrist com. Keswick: "Agents Katswell and Puppy, I have good news and buh-buh-buh-bad news. The good news is that I managed to concoct a formula that should have Agent Nutcase back to normal." Kitty: "What's the bad news?"  
Keswick: "It tatse like fish." Kitty: "Seriously, what's the bad news?" Keswick: "Not everyone like fish, Agent Katswell." Joe returns from the restroom and is knocking on the tank. Joe: "Hewwo? Can someone help Joey here?" Kitty aand Dudley pop up. Kitty: "Guess what? Keswick's got a formula that should change you back to normal."  
Joe: "Aww...I was starting to LIKE being 7 again. Plus you two owe Joey ice cream!"  
Kitty: "We'll get you your ice cream later."  
Joe: "Yay!" Joe races them to elevator. Kitty: (whispering) "Should I tell him? Or should you?"  
Dudley: (whispering) "He's gonna hate you for this."  
Joe: "Come guys! Someone needs to press buttons!"  
They all get in and Dudley presses the button to the correct floor. On the way Joe starts asking if they were there yet. Joe: "Are we there yet?" Kitty: "Not yet." Joe: "How 'bout now?"  
Dudley: "Still not there." 117 "Nows" later...  
Joe: "...Now? Now? Now? Now?" KItty grabs him by the shirt out of rage.  
Kitty: "For the last time WE ARE NOT THERE YET!" *ding* Dudley: "Kitty, we're here." Joe: "Can I be on ground now?" Kitty puts Joe down and Joe runs to the lab. He finds the formula and proceeds. When he does however...  
Joe: *face turns green and spits* (coarsely) "Keswick..." *hacks* "...this tastes like fish!"  
Keswick: "Well. Sorry if my concoctions don't all taste like chu-chu-chu-chocolate!" Joe: (coarse voice) "It's not that!" *hacks* "I'm extremely allergic to fish!" He swells up the same way Snaptrap does when he eats cheese. "Which one of you forgot to tell me this had fish in it?" Everyone points at Kitty and Dudley as they whistle like nothing happened. Joe stared them down. Dudley: (nervously) "Look on the bright side."  
Kitty: (nervously) "Yeah...at least you're back to your normal age."  
Joe: (coarsely) "You guys are so lucky my cousin doesn't know about this yet."  
Kitty: "We should get you to a hospital."  
Joe: (coarsely) "No need. I've got some pills at my place."  
Dudley: "Where is your place?" Joe: *hacks, coughs, and voice gets better* "It's only a few miles away. But let me tell you something, it is a very dangerous street."  
Kitty: "What's so dangerous about it?"  
Joe: "Every household has at least one tank plus some other weapons collection. For example, my nextdoor neighbor has about 12 tons of TNT and my other neighbor has about 1300 gallons of napalm."  
Kitty: "Is any of this legal?" Joe: "Only in MY neighbor hood. I think they're having a tag sale today. Ms. Nukem had a sweet deal on ammunition this morning. I hope I can get to it before tomorrow."  
They all stare at him.  
Joe: "Relax, most of the dangerous stuff is kept in backyard bomb shelters." Everyone stares at him some more... "Good luck getting my meds. I'd come with you but seeing as I can't move... oh well." They come back and hour later, like they were being chased at. Dudley: *panting* "Boy, that Ms. Nukem can run for an old lady." Kitty: *panting* "I'd never seen someone with so many weapons." They both fall flat onto the ground as Kitty throws the pills to Joe. "Here...catch." Joe: "Thank you." *swallows pill and shrinks down to normal* "That's better. Just ONE more thing to do." Dudley: *still panting* "Please don't make us go back."  
Joe: "No. How about the three of us go get some ice cream afterwards?"  
Kitty: "What about Snaptrap?"  
Joe: "I think I can deal with him."  
Meanwhile, Snaptrap and his gang are trying to push the T.U.F.F.-mobile towards a gas station. And by that I mean...  
Snaptrap: "Come on Larry! The gas station isn't that far!" Then , just as Larry passed out, Joe showed up on the scene. They instinctively pointed blasters but they hesitated. Joe: "Do you you really wanna make me use this?" They put their hands up and are soon taken by the police. The Chief managed to show up.  
Chief: "Good work, Agent Nutcase! I expect a full report on today's work!" But Joe obviously didn't want to write that long of a report.  
Joe: "Does that include this embarrassing footage of you guys acting wieird to Quacky the Duck?" *says while showing footage*  
Chief: "UH...reports are...overrated anyways." He leaves, not wanting to risk extreme embarrassment, just as Kitty and Dudley showed up. Kitty: "I gotta say, you did good, especially for a rookie." Joe: "Well, it does help to have a 15 and a half ton tank. Now let's go get that ice cream you guys still owe me." The end shows Kitty and Dudley doing standard poses while Joe holds his machine gun to the right.

The End.


End file.
